Sanford’s Wife to publish book (doh!)

by Administrator on Sep.27, 2009, under Satire

Oh, irony. We know that Mark Sanford’s book ground to a halt this past summer, when he ruined his career for a Latina hotty. Now his estranged wife has secured a contract to write her own memoirs.

Oddly, I might plan to read this my-husband’s-a-bastard tale. Only Jenny S. probably won’t go in that direction. Here’s what The Washington Post says:

Jenny Sanford will follow in the footsteps of fellow wronged-political-wife Elizabeth Edwards with an “inspirational” tell-all to be released by Ballantine Books next May. The former investment banker will grapple with “the universal issue of maintaining integrity and a sense of self during life’s difficult times,” according to the publisher — so yes, all the fallout from South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s Appalachian-Trail-no-wait-I-mean-Argentine-mistress meltdown. Jenny Sanford moved out of the governor’s mansion with her four kids last month.

Please, Ballantine, make old Jenny write something funny. Don’t let her take the high road. Cajole her to villainize him. Because in truth we’re dealing with a hilarious sequence of events. Sadly, I don’t want to read about Jenny’s suffering spirit or will to overcome. Such stories play on the Lifetime channel every afternoon. Audiences across America hunger for the dirty gossip that stained the walls of the Sanford mansion the past four years. We want to know, Jenny, what whacky things your man did while in office and how you managed to endure him. Did he sing the state’s anthem in the shower every morning, for example? What rushed through your mind when you heard his rusty voice wail out,

Throw thy bold banner to the breeze!
Front with thy ranks the threatening seas
Like thine own proud armorial trees,
Carolina! Carolina!

And we must know what you did upon discovering his treachery. What gave him away, by the way, strange messages on his machine? “Hola, Marco. I just wanted to say how mucho I love you tambien. Muah Muah.” We’d also like to know more about the pig incident back in ‘04. Please tell us he burst through the double doors of his study one night, hair frazzled and wild eyes, then grabbed you up by the waist and danced you across the Palmetto Ballroom, singing,

Now I know, my dear,
how I’ll show our spending’s pork-barrel.
Two cute little piggies’ll make it clear
how deeply our budget is in peril!
Carolina, Carolina!

And if you don’t mind, Jenny, tell us about all of Sanford’s kooky inventions for getting work done faster. Like the type writer that also opens letters. Or the necktie that turns into a hang glider so he could fly home and not waste tax payers’ money on gas to chauffeur his unfaithful bum to and from work. But above all, we’re eager to hear about the time you drove down to Argentina wearing an astronautic diaper with plans to give Sanford’s mistress what for.