Archive for August, 2009
Televise the revolution
by Administrator on Aug.31, 2009, under Satire
Just posted the full version of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s amazing review of Through the Pale Door online. Now let’s get right down to business. The Wall Street Journal yesterday published an even more amazing article on books. I’d never read anything like it before. In it, Lev Grossman hits the nail on the head.
This article makes all kinds of insightful assumptions. Boldly speaking for “the novel,” but focusing mainly on Americans, Grossman says the trick to fiction in the new century lies in tight, quick-paced literary stories. Forget Rushdie and Marquez. What about House of Leaves or The Corrections or Beloved? Screw ‘em. What about the Harry Potter books? No comment.
Wait. Here we go: “The revolution is under way. The novel is getting entertaining again. Writers like Michael Chabon, Jonathan Lethem, Donna Tartt, Kelly Link, Audrey Niffenegger, Richard Price, Kate Atkinson, Neil Gaiman, and Susanna Clarke, to name just a few, are busily grafting the sophisticated, intensely aware literary language of Modernism onto the sturdy narrative roots of genre fiction…” This is news to me. Who are these people? I’ve never heard of Neil Gaiman before. Is he that folk singer? No, no, hold on. That’s Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond. Or Neil Young. Now what about this Jonathan Lethem, was he the guy on “Third Rock from the Sun” and The World According to Garp? Come to think of it, what was The World According to Garp? There’s some guy out there I heard who’s also part of the revolution. Name’s John Irving. Another one, Tom Wolf or Wolfe or something.

a brilliant grafting of the language of modernism onto whatever it is that Grossman is talking about
Here’s another great comment: “The Modernists introduced us to the idea that reading could be work, and not common labor but the work of an intellectual elite, a highly trained coterie of professional aesthetic interpreters.”
You better believe it, brothers and sisters. Those traditionalists were way too easy. Henry James, get out of here with your simplistic three-page sentences. Same with you, Thomas de Quincey and Tristram Shandy. Your stuff belongs in the elementary school.
And take that, Mary Shelley, author of Frankenstein: “To the Modernists, stories were a distortion of real life. In real life stories don’t tie up neatly. Events don’t line up in a tidy sequence and mean the same things to everybody they happen to.” I always thought Charles Dickens and Victor Hugo and Balzac were way, way to kind to their characters. And Flaubert. His novel Madame Bovary wraps up a little too neatly for my taste, as well. So does The Sorrows of Young Werther and The Scarlet Letter. Those Gothics and Romantics. You can have them. I want tough, sad, drama.
“There was a time when difficult literature was exciting. T.S. Eliot once famously read to a whole football stadium full of fans.” Well, hmm. By football, do you mean soccer? And what do we mean by fans? I also wonder if this was the football team at Yale or Harvard. Makes a difference, you know.
Grossman also says that The Modernists thought pleasure wasn’t the point of their writing. I couldn’t agree more. I really hated reading all that stuff and the only reason I stuck to it was the lessons it taught me. In the 1920 we was just learning good compared to the now-times. But the answer is plotting. Plotting, let it ring from the stove tops and bell towers. Let plotting ring from the shores of Allegheny to the mountains of California. Let plotting ring. We should dispense with commentary on life and leap full on into the headlights of pure entertainment – the new, uncharted waters in writing. It’s murky, foggy territory out there. Who knows what we’ll find. Certainly none of the familiar insights afforded by Tolkien or Kurt Vonnegut. Plot-driven fiction. Woo. Boy. Pack your bags. Make sure you’ve got plenty of beef jerky in there. Gonna be a long trip.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I leave you to go enjoy (sigh) some mindless Pynchon novel.
One helluva review
by Administrator on Aug.31, 2009, under Satire
A week of trying to squash the spoiled-kid-on-Christmas Eve feeling, and finally: the book review appears. The Sunday edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the inside of which I saw way back in second or third grade. Who knows? Maybe even first-grade. Back then, they still laid out the newspaper partially by hand, if I remember. No Quark or Indesign. Boy, there’s a way to feel old.
Ted Kennedy vs MJ and Death of Summer
by Administrator on Aug.29, 2009, under Satire
Now that autumn lurks around the corner with its switch blade drawn, ready to mug us all, I reflect on my summer of happiness. One of my biggest regrets was missing out on all of the MJ memorabilia. I bought none of it. The pang of remorse didn’t hit me until I passed a rack of crap left over from the big commotion. Let’s hope that book stores and other retailers can move the rest of this stuff before shelves and tables begin filling with issues and histories and memoirs dedicated to Ted Kennedy. A story from PW says book sales have already jumped way up thanks to the senator’s passing. There’s only one other business I know of that benefits more from death, and it ain’t the fast food industry.
Kennedy’s death doesn’t seem to have caused quite the uproar that Jackson’s did. Nobody in my neck of the woods is pondering suicide, and although he was a helluva speaker his voice doesn’t fill the air waves. Too bad. But I’ll say this. The magazine stands are going to look like one gigantic American flag in about a week. Mark my word.
Enough about important deaths. Let’s talk about trite ones. I lost $1 in the laundry machine downstairs. It’s kaputz.
Now that we’ve discussed trite deaths, let’s move on to mid-range deaths. Summer is gone. Where did the bad boy go? I find myself looking back with fond memories already. What all happened this summer? We lost some celebs. We almost lost track of a governor, but thank the lord he turned up (in Argentina). Iran had some trouble with an election or something, I hear. (Joke.) I zoomed around the Southeast reading from my book. Graded 700 or so AP Lit exams. Spent a little time in Charleston. Spent a little time in Atlanta. Spent some time in the Rockies. Wrote most of another novel. Read some good books. Avoided the beach. Not bad.My biggest triumph, however, was avoiding the Transformers II movie. I’m so glad I resisted and gave my slow summer afternoons to something else.
So now we move on into fall. This coming weekend I head to Atlanta for the Decatur Book Festival to meet fancy authors and read from my book. Looking forward to it. Must remember to get oil changed tomorrow.
Tour, Classes, and mid-size Pynchon Novel
by Administrator on Aug.25, 2009, under Satire
Saturday morning. The sky opens and leaves streets in NC gushing with water. I head onto the highway for McIntyre Books for an 11 am reading. When I reach my exit, Google Maps says “Take a left at 64-West.” I look at my directions. I look at the road. Going left at I-64 means I would drive onto I-64 East. Why doesn’t Google just tell me to go I-64 East. Oh, why do they always do this?
So I do what any natural person would do. I assume that my gut is right and go the wrong way, driving for about 20 minutes. This means I lose 40 minutes at least in the end.
I arrive at the book store in the midst of a flood. They say, “It’s okay, Brian.” For the first time in my life I want them to say, “Nobody came to your reading anyway, so you didn’t let anyone down.” But I did.
Good news is we’re rescheduled for 0ct 9. Now, a few days later I give a reading in Greenvillle full of dinner tables. It’s great. I read with Joni Tenvis, who read a little bit about everything – including a job at a cemetery. Definitely grimmer than working at a steel mill. Among some familiar faces in the audience and surprises were John Jeter and George Singleton.
Now I’m wrapping up my first day of the fall semester. Almost. Still have a three-hour seminar to sit through. At least I get Mon, Wed, Fri off so to speak. It will help now that the book tour is kicking into high gear. I’ve got something every weekend from now through mid October. If anyone’s interested in buying a book so that I’ll be sure to afford the oil changes and tune-ups ahead, you’re welcome to do so. Otherwise, I’m fully prepared to walk up to strangers on the street with my novel and say, “Hey there, sir. How are you? Good, good. Can I ask you a question?” Or, no. Perhaps I should sit on the curb and shout, “Good afternoon, how are ya’ll? Do you have a couple of minutes? You see, I’m an emerging author whose aunt is in the hospital with amnesia…”
All this said in jest. Like all panhandlers, I have 50k in the bank. Seriously, dude.
Finally, the new Pynchon novel is either in my gym bag or my apartment. I’m so thrilled. The last Pynchon book I read the whole way through was Mason & Dixon. I’ve made it about 1/2 through GR. I think Pynchon might be the only author whom you can claim as an influence while having read less than .5 of his works. Anyway, this one’s only about 300 pages! This is a great new direction for him. I was expecting Inherent Vice would fall around, oh, say, a gagillion billion pages.
Other updates: Hub City has secured funds for the second first novel prize. Now this promises to be confusing. “Hub City is pleased to announce the second first novel prize.” Wait. The first second novel prize? I like the sound of that much better, must say.
Brazil, Southern Lit, Reality? (A rant)
by Administrator on Aug.21, 2009, under Satire
Wrapping up another major revision of my new top secret novel. Book touring. Watching weird movies (Eraserhead, anyone?) What a summer. The latest cult film, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil, has got me thinking a lot about constraints, audience expectations, and creativity. No easy answers here, but I was stunned to find out how badly that film flopped in the US despite considerable success abroad. And, about fifteen years later, not even JK Rowling could convince Warner Bros to give the cult auteur a chance at the Harry Potter franchise. Of course, having swum the depths of Tim Burton’s career, the fact that big movie companies give creative directors a hard time doesn’t come as a surprise.
I’m of the mind Brazil’s US flop had nothing to do with Gilliam and everything to do with terrible decisions aimed at mainstreaming the film. They cut out the best parts, glued on a cheesy happy ending, trashed the original symphonic score, and then to top things off they tossed in a bunch or “rock music” to “attract teenagers.” It so happens that Warner Bros. tried to do the same thing with Burton’s Batman back in ‘89, foisting the hipster god Prince onto Burton who miraculously managed to ditch most of the corny 80s music for Elfman’s now-unforgettable motion picture score. (Ever wonder why there were two soundtracks to that film? Now you know.) Really, people. Imagine watching this film with “Purple Rain” playing in the back ground. It’s like eating a peanut butter and shrimp sandwich. Both good but the idea of them combined triggers your gag reflex.
What’s this got to do with writing? Way ahead of you. I’ve given a lot of thought to the love-hate relationship between creativity and marketability. When and where they meet, how they fall in love, and what do their kids look like? On one side of the spectrum we have terrible works like LA Candy. On the other we have DeLillo’s The Names (my favorite novel but not a big seller). And then we have miracle writers like Pynchon, Marquez, Rowling, Gaiman, and others who do more than straddle two worlds. Writers like these folks take the biggest risks. They break the most rules, in some ways. And they wind up legends in their own time. And now for me to reference my own novel and compare myself to the pantheon. (What’s that, you say? Stick my foot in my mouth? No problem.) My own first novel, Through the Pale Door, takes significant risks that seem to be paying off when it comes to sales.
What has this got to do with Southern Lit and reality? Way ahead of you. Over the past few months I’ve heard many writers, editors, readers, and agents say the word “reality,” speaking to me or about me or about Southern Lit. I’ve heard the old adage that asserts the “it really happened that way” argument holds no water for creative writers. I beg to disagree. Yes. Credulity can be strained. Stories need a degree of verisimilitude. But the “it really happened that way” case means, to me, that writers, et al need to open their minds to what constitutes reality. For example: a friend recently told me the story of how a distant relative was obliged to attend a friend’s funeral with a knife in his back pocket and a bodyguard in tow because he feared some attendees would try to settle an old score. I recently heard a somewhat famous (and true) story of a town in Tennessee that spent an entire day trying to inflict capital punishment on an elephant for killing its owner – they finally had to hang the thing with a construction crane. Many writers, et al would tell me that none of these events could make a decent story. But they certainly could. If you can tell it over a table, you can write it down. It’s a matter of how confident your voice is. (Marquez has said the same thing, but I guess nobody remembers.)
All right. Taste is subjective, but mine’s less so. I promise. The End. Been writing for 12 hours a day the past two or three days. Now it’s time to rejoin the world.
Buying a Bed and more
by Administrator on Aug.19, 2009, under Satire
No royalty checks yet on the book. But my tuition refund came in today and now I’ll finally give up the foam pad I’ve slept on the past three weeks and buy a real bed (almost). Having learned that air mattresses are a bad investment, I’m looking at portable mattresses. Buying a full-fledged bed has struck me as a bad idea for a long time. I like the freedom of being able to move if I come to hate the apartment I live in, and grad students (as well as young “artsy” people in general) need to be mobile.
The reading in Spartanburg went well. I haven’t talked that much about Southern Literature (yes it does deserve to be capitalized) or steel mills in a while. Hub City is almost out of copies of Through the Pale Door, although their distributor still has a couple hundred copies. No doubt a hundred or more have spread across stores in the Southeast.
Don’t make fun of me, but I’d like to recommend a book called Secondhand Spirits. Maybe the best case of not judging a book by its cover to date. Not chick lit, though it pushes the envelope in places. And yet, sufficiently dark to keep me interested. I saw on it on the bottom shelf of B&N. Part of my campaign the last year’s involved reading more deeply into pop fiction – branching out from the likes of DeLillo, Nabokov, Faulkner, Atwood, Robinson, and company. And I gots to say, if the heroine from this novel showed up at my door to warn me of mortal danger, I’d let her in and then some. But I’m having to skim through a lot of the sections that talk about dresses. For anyone out there snickering, my second and third favorite books are Blood Meridian and Blood Meridian. Here’s you an idea:
The man in the brown stetson walked up to the four chuckling men. On the way he passed the undertaker and said unto him to prepare three coffins. Then he addressed the men and he said, “I don’t think it’s funny, you laughing. Me and my mule’s liable to get the wrong idea and think you’re laughing at us.” And the wind swept and it carried the scent of the men’s sweat as they fingered their guns and then they all drew on each other and a roar of gunfire filled the dusty street. The four men were fast. But the man in the stetson was faster and it was clear now why he’d asked for coffins – but not three, no, four would be needed now. The man in the stetson had miscounted but not misfired. As he left, the Sheriff showed the man in the stetson his badge and explained the laws of man here, to which the man in the stetson replied, “Well, if you’re the law, you’d better get these dirt bags under ground, before they start stinking.” The world wasn’t a cruel place. It just wasn’t over-kind. A man could get kilt for laughing at another man’s mule. The four men were now dead men not laughing; had been living fools, but now dead fools.
Mr. Darcy, Vampyre
by Administrator on Aug.17, 2009, under Satire
At a birthday party, a friend handed me the latest in paranormal classics. You’ve heard of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. You’ve heard of Emma The Vampyre Slayer. Now get a load of Mr. Darcy, Vampyre:
More vampires. Sourcebooks Landmark announced a major new release by the popular author of Mr. Darcy’s Diary, Amanda Grange entitled Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, available August 11th. It is a continuation of Pride and Prejudice after the wedding, and may explain some of Mr. Darcy’s cold and distant noble mien in the original novel.
Revamping the classics is all fine and good. But I predict the next big wave in publishing will take us all by surprise. So far authors have taken conventional, even mundane characters and given them a supernatural thrust. Consider instead if we take exciting characters and dull them down a bit. Or a lot. Batman needs to stop fighting crime and spend 24-hours walking aimlessly around Gotham. Like this:
Solemnly The Joker came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding country and the awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Batman, he bent towards him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat and shaking his head. Batman, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him, equine in its length, and at the light untonsured hair, grained and hued like pale oak.
The Joker peeped an instant under the mirror and then covered the bowl smartly.
–Back to the batcave?, he said sternly.
He added in a preacher’s tone:–For this, O dearly beloved, is the genuine Christine: body and soul and blood and ouns. Slow music, please. Shut your eyes, gents. One moment. A little trouble about those white corpuscles. Silence, all.
He peered sideways up and gave a long low whistle of call, then paused awhile in rapt attention, his even white teeth glistening here and there with gold points. Chrysostomos. Two strong shrill whistles answered through the calm.
–Thanks, old chap, he cried briskly. That will do nicely. Switch off the current, will you?
Perhaps Achilles doesn’t battle Hector. Instead they square off in a round of subtle satiric comments and insults that nobody could understand without thorough knowledge of Ancient Greek culture. Perhaps they can also spend a great deal of time thinking about the meaning of language and trying to come to terms without their childhoods.
Odysseus should give up on trying to find his way home. He should abandon his crew and spend a year isolated on an island, reflecting on the purpose of civilization and, well, coming to terms with his childhood.
Tomorrow I read from my novel, Through the Pale Door, in Spartanburg. Hoping for a big crowd.
Renting Textbooks
by Administrator on Aug.14, 2009, under Satire
The publishing geniuses have done it again. Cengage, a major textbook publisher, will offer their textbooks for rental this fall semester at selection schools. It works like this: you pay about half the cost of the book up front. They send you the book. You keep the book for the semester. If you don’t want the thing, then you mail it back or drop it off. In other words, you do exactly the same thing as if you bought the book at full price and sold it back. The only difference is that the unwanted text doesn’t fall into used-book market.
I guess professors are getting tired of writing second and third editions of their textbooks – which has been a longtime countermeasure against buyback season.
Maybe this is a good idea. On the other hand, I can’t help but think the publishing industries have something up their sleeve here. But maybe not. Maybe the publishing world is finally catching up to the Twentieth century, albeit a decade late. You can rent everything now.
And there’s news that the recession is over. I think we should do everything in our power to get our hopes up and jinx a possible recovery. I haven’t had to chop down any of my furniture yet and use it for firewood. I was so looking forward to doing that. For real. I was all set to start sewing ugly patches on the ass and knees of my pants, making soup out of my own hair, etc.
I’m moved into my new apartment. Has a bigger kitchen and an extra room. What else? Think I’ve finished the new mss I’ve slaved away on for nine months. We’ll see how the agent hunt proceeds. The last few days have been quite painfully full of line editing. Revision is fun when we’re talking forty pages. At 200 or more, revision becomes a very ugly obsessive thing. I look forward to spending a couple of hours away from my apartment – or at least away from my screen.
The book tour starts up again soon. I read in Spartanburg this coming Monday. A week later I’ll be in Greenville. Check my website for more info – and do consider picking up a copy.
Twilight author confesses to plagiarism
by Administrator on Aug.07, 2009, under Satire
In an exclusive online interview this afternoon, popular vampire novelist Stephanie Meyer broke down and confessed to Brian Ray, author of Through the Pale Door, that she indeed lifted ideas from the Internet as well as American culture in general – and maybe even common knowledge. Read further for a transcript of the interview, in which Meyer professes her deepest apologies and other feelings to The Nocturne author, Jordan Scott.
Brian Ray: Thanks for agreeing to conduct this interview via satellite phone, or whatever this thing is. [calls out to IT manager] Is it a satellite phone?
[tech manager mumbles something inaudible]
Stephanie Meyer: It doesn’t matter. My career’s over, as if all the blood has been siphoned from its warm, lithe body. But I’m glad to have this huge burden lifted from my shoulders, whether my medium of confession is satellite or regular land line. I no longer have to be Adonis, or Atlas. I get them confused. The question is what the hell I’ll do now. Maybe go into teaching.
BR: So why did you decide to wait until your fourth book, Breaking Dawn, to plagiarize? And why this Jordan Scott girl? I haven’t read her work or yours. Is Scott really that good?
SM: To tell you the honest truth, I’ve been stealing ideas since book one. [Meyer sighs] I mean, vampires? Braham Stoker, those ancient folktales from Bulgaria or wherever? Um, hello? I’m surprised people didn’t peg me for a hack sooner. I didn’t even ask who had the copyright on vampires, I was so desperate to make money. So foolishly stupid of me. I am swathed in regret.
BR: How did the monster of plagiarism grow inside you?
SM: It seduced me like a charming gentlemen of the night, idea-theft did. Ideas are children of the dawn, and I am the evil princess of infringement. It had been a forbidden love between me and plagiarism. And, well, once I took vampires, why stop there? It felt so delicious. Wedding scenes, romantic trysts on beaches. Those obviously weren’t my ideas. But I wanted them so badly. And this voice in my dark heart kept saying, Take them, Stephanie. Take them. You know, I’m such a hack. If it hadn’t been for my reading that Jordan Scott stuff on the Internet, I wouldn’t have even known vampires transform.
BR: You didn’t know that vampires transform?
SM: What did I think, who knows? Maybe they walked around all day with their fangs hanging out, hissing at people on the subway, on buses, the sidewalk. You have to admit, it would’ve made no sense the way I planned to write the story myself. There’s no mystery in vampires who don’t morph and aren’t at least slightly nocturnal. And as far as the classic horror movies go, and Hammer Horror, I just never put two and two together. Look, there’s a bat. Wait, there’s a man. I never thought to connect the two forms. For me, it was just a coincidence. Or bad editing.

Recent find by archaeologists in Venice. This fifteenth century gal had a brick stuffed in her mouth after death because folks thought her a vampire. During the time of the plague, grave diggers would have to reopen mass burial sites due to shrinking cemetery space. When they did so, they mistook normal signs of decomposition for evidence of the undead. Further proof that Meyer is a plagiarist.
BR: How did you discover the work of Jordan Scott?
SM: My kids had always been huge into vampire romance stuff. But they didn’t enjoy, you know, real books. They liked to read fan fiction and self-published works online. It’s more genuine, when you think about it. The online work hasn’t been run through the editing process and vetted of its juicy originality. But, like any parent, I got concerned when they started telling me some of this stuff at the dinner table. And they began eating their food strangely. I remember my oldest tried to suck the guts out of his baked potato and that night I said, “Enough, I have to know what’s going on with these vampire things!” So for a week or two I monitored their activities on the computer. But slowly and surely I was drawn into their secret quasi-pornographic worlds. Finally, I was making them go play outside while I stayed on the computer, drowning in yummy erotic horror. Ah, the hypertext of horror.
BR: Just for the record, you stole a lot of words from various authors over the Internet. Yes?
SM: Yes! I feel so bad! You know that Shakespeare, he was a true writer. Invented a lot of words and phrases. But me? Hell, no. I just went with the mundane. In fact when I got stuck I wouldn’t use my brain at all. I would just have one of my kids look up online vampire fiction, sometimes Danielle Steele, and we’d just plug it right in. I also used a software program to outline the plots of my novels. The software is called, Write Your Paranormal Romance in just 90 Days!. More shame. Oh, the lurid, dark, shadowy shame of my bizarre life journey.
BR: You recently received a “cease and desist” order from Scott’s lawyers. What are your plans?
SM: My publisher is telling me to tough this one out, that we’ll win. But my thoughts couldn’t be more diametrically opposed. Desist? Why, of course! Immediately. In fact, a couple nights ago I even printed out a hundred labels and stickers on my home computer that said, “I’m a cheater! Don’t buy my book!” I drove straight to the local Barnes & Noble and started slapping them on a stack of my hard covers that are displayed prominently in the front. Of course, it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. When people saw me, they grabbed books and foisted them at me, begging for autographs. I spoke candidly, though. I said, “Why would you want my book? I’m just a thief. Where is Jordan Scott’s book? Where is it? You should buy that book instead!” I started knocking books out of people’s hands as they lifted them from the tables and shelves. I think I even punched a fourteen-year-girl in the kidney.
BR: Why?
SM: Because she wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved that Edward Cullen. He was plagiarized too, I’m sad to say. He’s just Brad Pitt on paper.
BR: What about rumors that Jordan Scott is your secret, illegitimate daughter and offspring of your love affair with Neil Gaiman?
SM: [shrugs] Who knows? I’d believe anything at this point.
BR: Will you sign this for me? I’m going to try and sell it on ebay. [produces copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude].
SM: [squints] But I didn’t write that.
BR: I know. But I figured you’re so good at plagiarism, you might have a knack for forging signatures too.
SM: Sorry, my life of crime is over.
BR: And so is this interview.
Twilight of Plagiarism
by Administrator on Aug.06, 2009, under Satire
Her lawyer, J. Craig Williams, told Reuters that it contains situations that are similar to those in “Breaking Dawn,” the fourth in Ms. Meyer’s series, which has sold more than 70 million copies worldwide and spawned a film franchise. In a cease-and-desist letter sent to Ms. Meyer’s publisher, Hachette Book Group, Mr. Williams drew comparisons between scenes involving a wedding, a tryst on a beach and a description of the transformation from human to vampire. He added that characters in both books called their wives “love.”
But wait a minute. Not only could this be baseless, let’s remember that readers reviled Breaking Dawn and many fans demanded their money back right around the time of its publication last year. As one high schooler said, “I hated that book so much I ripped out the pages one by one and threw them into the fireplace, sobbing as I listened to Evanescence over and over.” So, Jordan Scott, slow down and think through your accusations. You’re essentially saying that the worst book in the series stole from your novel. Even if this is a hoax to market yourself, better ways exist. For example, you could claim to be Meyer’s illegitimate daughter conceived during some spring fling at Brigham Young. Note the stunning resemblance.
And now to come right out with it. Frankly, I’m starting to wonder if both Meyer and Scott didn’t rip off a short story that I wrote in middle school about two teens who are vampires. They work at a resort on Myrtle Beach, renting jet skis, and call each other “Honey pie,” which is pretty close to “Love.”



